A preamble on anxiety.

Today we're sitting down (me and my anxiety) to write about the joy come down. This past three weeks I have been experiencing a different kind of joy that I haven't let in in a long time, and with a certain ephemeral charm my best friend anxiety has come to stay. You could very much say that me and Fred (that's my anxiety) possess a kind of eternal bond, one that expands across time and disregards the laws of physics. He's always there for me when I didn't even know I needed him, he likes to drop in during dinner parties, on relaxing Sunday afternoons and makes celebrity appearances in work meetings. He is confident, has the vocal tone of a strict teacher and if personified would probably dress like Poirot. What he loves to do most is take a moment that is seemingly full of human-ness, whether that be joy, laughter, deep conversation or fun and say 'Let's just tone this down a notch so we don't enjoy it too much, until I can think of any conceivable reason as to why you deserve to feel good'. Recently, I've been telling him to go away and leave me alone. Remember when we were told to say that to bullies in primary school? 'Please stop that. Go away. I do not like it'. Well... the bullies didn't listen to any of us then and Fred certainly isn't taking my new age nicely-asking-him-to-stop-it bullshit now. I'll give an example. The other day I was having a dinner party with 4 of my friends. I've known three of them since the dawn of time and the other, despite being a more recent addition feels just as comfortable in the family fold. Everyone is drinking their Aperol Spritz, eating the (actually delicious) curry I made and Billie Marten is playing in the background. It was the best. But unfortunately there is probably a good 20mins of conversation I can't remember because Fred dropped by unannounced to play 20 questions. 'Are they warm enough? do they like your house or are they just pretending? I'm sitting awkwardly, am I sitting awkwardly?'. #brilliant. Another example would be happily residing in the very fresh stages of something new, laughing about Seinfeld then your mind gives you a little snapshot of your current situation- where you live in a beautiful house, with a job, friends, family, stability, health and now you get to spend time with someone you genuinely like... BAM it's like the pit of your stomach is a shock drop ride at an amusement park and it falls dramatically from it's high. It's a physical reaction, it feels like I might possibly be in actual danger, and that the only option is to throw down an orange smoke bomb like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz and get the heck out of there. Fred's a nice guy really, he just wants to make sure I stay in a very safe, middle ground, not too hot not too cold, not too happy not too sad existence. So we ask ourselves (all of us who have a best friend like Fred on their team), why must anxiety show up when it is most definitely not wanted, usually when we're feeling the warm glow of happiness on our under-moisturised faces? Aka, the joy comedown. You don't have to have the medical diagnosis of an anxiety disorder to understand the feeling of joy come down, I believe we all feel it when things seem to be going 'well'. Take right now, I'm sitting here on my couch; there is no threat present in any way and yet I only have to think for two seconds about my future, or the direction of my new 'thing', or my creative potential flowing in no discernible direction to feel like my arms are flowing with tiny spools of electricity, my chest to tighten just a millimetre and my breath to almost unrecognisably become a laboured. But I'm happy in the real world and so I'm learning to tell Fred to go away. I try to ask myself things like 'is feeling anxious right now saving you from danger?' 'is there something genuinely wrong?' 'when was the last time you took a deep breath?' 'you can worry about that later' I like the last one the most. Sometimes I will set time aside to worry about things. 7pm-8pm I'm on schedule to ruminate on the potential that one day something might possibly be challenging and that I maybe won't handle it with complete grace and I might feel a bit crappy about it for an amount of time. But all the rest of the day when Fred knocks on the door with a croissant and an oat latte and says 'hey babes wanna sit down and talk about all the bad things in the world' I tell him I'm busy and that he can come back at 7pm with wine. I'm not telling you how to handle your anxiety because only you can do that (and a therapist haha) But what I will say: It's necessary to invite it inside and ask it what it wants. It's incredibly important to think about whether what it's asking for is a want or need. And it's crucial to tell it when you want it to go back to it's own house. Next time your stomach feels like a shock drop despite you being in the presence of goodness, have a think about how it's adding to your life, and what it's taking away. Love, M.

Daily Ceremony acknowledges Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples as the traditional custodians of the land we work on, and we pay our respects to elders past, present and emerging.

Ceremony [ ser-uh-moh-nee ] A unified ritualistic event with a purpose, usually consisting of a number of artistic components, performed on a special occasion. Aka, life.