Femme.

You have to start somewhere when you haven't written since January. I want to write about a future dinner party. I want to write about back pain at 28? I want to write about never wanting to take the stupid amount of vitamins that allied health professionals administer. I want to write about adult hormonal acne!!!!! The pressure to purchase everyone you've ever made eye contact with a present at Christmas. What even is Christmas. How frustrating it is when you work really hard for something and then compare yourself to the achievements of someone who has considerably more resources than you. Loss of friendship. Grief. Sand that will stay in your car for the remainder of time immemorial. What I am going to write about, is this. It has become so clear in the past week the true value of the female friendships in my life. The pillars for which I can hold myself upon and against. It's difficult to put into words the feeling I have about my closest female friends. A handful of women who fill so fully and with such substance all the lacking parts of me. Women whose ability to etch and engrave their names on your stories, your memories and your future and who hold up a bright torch to all the parts of you that need illuminating. I try not to get too poetic in this space, because I often find the language around topics of this kind can be super unobtainable and difficult to see reflected in daily life. Words like sacred come to mind but don't provide any real clarity about the structures of the relationship that two women are able to cultivate and sustain. You hear people speak to the laughter and tears and intensity of these friendships and you hear about them in accessible language usually to the tune of 'she's always there for me' and 'she knows me better than I know myself'. But the sense of depth I have is difficult to discuss without using words that are a little more robust. I'll write about one specific friend here, and I hope that one day, you are able to experience something that feels like this feels, and can reflect upon the version of yourself that exists around your person. I don't think I would call her my friend, she's more like one of the seven sub-layers of my skin so I don't think of her as particularly separate to the memories and trajectory of my life. I've known O for a long time, almost 20 years. I think there is always a sense of commonality when you have shared experience of living in a region with its particular charm and character. But as we all know, growing up with someone is certainly not a free ticket to a lifelong friendship and sometimes can be more of a reason to run in the opposite direction. With O, I don't have the ability to envisage what the outcomes of my choices would have been without her input, because I think when you have a 'constant' in your life you merge your mutual understandings about one another and are able to move forward in life with them buckled in beside you. Meaning, I am whole and complete as myself, but that version of myself is the way it is because she's my friend. The interplay of personality not just between us but within us is something we speak about. How within a friendship where don't have any competition or resistance you can freely express the versions of yourself that most need to show up that day. Sometimes we morph through this big/little sister vibe, sometimes it's a more equal plane and sometimes it's just two exhausted people sitting together at a table eating Vietnamese. I do ask myself how I got to this point with O. Not as a way to say 'do this and you'll get X' but for me to better understand how letting someone in doesn't necessarily have to end in eating peanut butter from a spoon in bed watching Broad City re-runs after being rejected. We just get along. There's an understanding of potential without the push to full fill it. There's an understanding of immediate feedback, both verbally and energetically. O talks about how restorative the time we spend together is, and I definitely agree that in some strange way I feel more like myself after spending time with her. There is a sense of colossal, quiet strength in the unity of 'us'. I have confidence that all of you have/will feel it at some point whether that's with a plutonic or romantic partner. If you haven't, that would be a very sincere wish I have for your future. There are few things in my life that feel real and tangible, which makes me uncomfortable because I don't want to get to the end of the next10 years still thinking 'I'm not really addicted to technology, I'll live on a farm one day and not need it anymore for sure' despite being constantly glued to a screen of some kind. But the privilege I feel to have such a realistic, concrete connection; so much so that people notice it, is worth getting up in the morning for. Our friendship is one which often drives me to expect more and better of myself. The pride, holy shit the pride. Wait just let me google the definition of pride, I want to make sure I'm using the right word, 'Pride is a positive emotional response or attitude to something with an intimate connection to oneself, due to its perceived value.' Yup. The pride I feel in calling her my own is pretty overwhelming at times, particularly when I see her making bold choices, having hard conversations and taking big creative risks. When I watch O in her element, performing in her chosen professional field I get goosebumps at the versions of herself she's able to draw upon in those moments that I get to witness. Pure love. My friend L is a power house, she has infinite conviction for the things she wants in life and a never-ending desire for quiet, peaceful time in each others personal space watching old movies. My friend A is a reflection of everything considered, designed and curated in this world. She's the architcent of her entire existance and she is an absolute master. My friend H blows me away in her strength of self assurance, her ability to get out of bed so early, her talent holyyyyyyyy her talent, and her relentless encouragement of doing and saying what you know to be true. I don't know what life has in store for me, but if these friendships and the time I have with these women is it, then my cup runneth over. Love, M.

O. Photo by me. Daily Ceremony acknowledges Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples as the traditional custodians of the land we work on, and we pay our respects to elders past, present and emerging.